Rachel Stein is a senior vice president at a communications firm. She lives with her husband, two preteen sons, and a large dog. In an interview, she talked about her family’s struggle after her mother, then 78, was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease.

Stein’s mother lived independently in her townhouse until her condition began to deteriorate. When she lost her ability to prepare her own meals, her family realized that living alone was no longer an option.

Assisted-Living

Stein’s mother moved to an assisted-living facility near Stein’s home. She paid $7,000 a month to stay in the facility, an expense she paid from her retirement savings.

Unfortunately, Stein was not happy with her new choice of housing. She wanted a quiet place to live, but the facility housed 160 residents. She felt overwhelmed by the move from a townhouse to a facility where she had so many neighbors.

The facility featured amenities, including a swimming pool, that many residents might desire. Her illness left Stein’s mother feeling too fatigued to exercise. Because she couldn’t take advantage of the pool or the organized activities that the facility offered, she felt she was paying for amenities that did not fit her lifestyle.

Stein’s mother also disliked the food that the facility served. Again, she felt she was paying for something that failed to return the value she desired.

Living with Parents

After a time, Stein’s mother left the assisted-living facility and moved into Stein’s home. Stein was available to care for her mother because she worked from home.

While Stein was happy to have her mother near, she was concerned that her home was not a safe environment for her aging parent. Stein worried that the family dog would jump on her mother and knock her over. Her mother’s bedroom was upstairs, creating a daily risk of falling.

When her children left water on the bathroom floor after taking a shower, Stein would frantically mop it up so it would not pose a hazard for her mother. Stein worried that her kids were creating tripping hazards whenever they left their things on the floor.

Caring for her mother proved to be stressful. Stein’s mother fell so often that she was a frequent visitor to the emergency room. Stein’s work suffered. She had to interrupt conference calls if her mother needed help. Stein also worried that she was not devoting sufficient attention to the rest of her family.

Stein felt that she didn’t have the time or energy to balance the needs of her mother and her family. She tried to solve the problem by hiring part-time caregivers, but her mother’s presence in the home continued to be a source of anxiety. Her frustration with her mother grew and their relationship deteriorated.

Back to Assisted Living

After some difficult conversations, Stein’s mother agreed to look for a different assisted-living facility. They settled on one that had only 70 residents. Stein was pleased with the sense of community that the residents enjoyed. The quieter facility suited her mother’s lifestyle and the food was good.

Stein was able to visit her mother regularly. Their relationship improved, as did Stein’s relationship with the rest of her family.

Every Family Has Its Own Story

Every family is different. Some adult children can live with aging parents more easily than others. Some homes are suitable for an older adult who needs assistance while others — particularly those with upstairs bedrooms — are not.

Some families can afford to pay for assisted living. Some adult children act as caregivers for their parents because they have no choice.

Stein’s experience teaches that the right choice might come only after experimenting with alternatives. Her mother’s first experience with assisted living was unsuccessful, as was the family’s effort to share their home with her. Through a process of trial and error, they arrived at a solution that works for them.

Finding the right assisted-living facility takes time and effort. The first choice might not always be the best choice, but with persistence and patience, families can arrive at a solution that benefits everyone.